Realize

When I'm out hanging with friends
Laughing and smiling
Having a good time without you
SNuggling with them
Feelign at home
I hope you realize what you missed

WHen I finally get it done
The surgery we talked about
And that life is squirming and kicking inside of me
And I'm sleeping curled around it
Alone but smiling
Fingers tracing circles on my stomach
I hope you realize what you missed

When it's time
And everyone is there
Ready to see the baby girl
The baby girl that's all me
When they walk into the room
And see me
Grinning like the sun
A baby without your eyes
A baby without your skin
And she giggles and squirms
I hope you realize what you missed

When I turn twenty-one
And can finally drink
When everyone is there at the bar with me
Drinking and laughing
And I end up stripping on a table
Someone else at home
babysitting Pepsi-Avril
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm standing there
In the courtyard of the school
Watching her leave
Little lion backpack bouncing as she ran
And I cry a bit
Because she's grown up so fast
And there's no one there to hold me
So I just smile and get back in the car
I hope you realize what you missed

When Pepsi-Avril brings home a boy
And I have to sit down
Lay the rules down
Even though he finds it akward that I'm her mother
I get through it
Making sure they're happy
And as they leave
And I'm home alone
Looking through picture albums
With no pictures of you
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm standign there
Tears in my eyes
Hand on the cascet
I leave a card there
Reading PUNK on the envelope
And I find myself believing in God
If only for a moment
Just so I know Punk isn't done living yet
And I get back in my car
And sob my heart out
With no arms to sink into
I hope you realize what you missed

When Pepsi-Avril's right there
Arm linked with her man
Who actually dressed up
Blue tuxedo going with her blue dress
And I'm taking pictures
And both of them are running late and embarrassed
And she hugs me before leaving
And I'm there
Alone once again
Crying at how fast she's grown up
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm typing at a computer
Writing my new novel
Poems all involving one person
I hope you read it
I hope you know who those poems are about
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm walking down the isle
Pepsi-Avril's hand on my arm
A few people watching from their seats
And she kisses my cheek and turns
And I go back to my seat
Trying not to cry
As I know I'm telling my baby goodbye
And they say I do
High school sweathearts
And I have no one beside me
To tell me that they will end up
Better than we did
I hope you realize what you missed

When I get the call
Phone dropping to the floor
Grabbing my sweater
And running out the door
To get to the hospital
Nerves shot with excitement and worry
And when I finally get there
Seeing Pepsi-Avril and her man
All smiles and staring at the bundle in her arms
And there's no one there to tell me not to cry
At what they have
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm on my bed
Lying there with my breath coming out shortewr and harder
Hair gone gray
Skin gone layered
Pillows soaked with tears
As I let myself think of my life
And I finally allow myself to think of you
And you're not there
To hold me while I say goodbye
To this world
And in that moment I take my last breath
Your name slipping from my lips
I hope you realize what you missed

When I'm sitting in bthe grass
Back pressed against the cold stone of my own gravestone
The semetary deathly quiet
Staring at my transparent skin
I look young again
Like I'm seventeen again
But I'm stuck in this world
Not quiet Heaven
Not quiet Hell
And as you walk up to my stone
Read my name on it
And I watch you from where I sit
Knowing you can't see me
And as I see the tears down your face
I can only hope
Only hope that you've realized what you've missed